The fear and shame of punitive parenting – Parenting the parent

We were hit as children when we did wrong and I can spot the adult who was raised that way from a mile away.

How you may ask…

Hitting or hurting someone for mistakes they have made, teaches them fear and shame. The tactic works so well, that even a hint of wrong doing fills them with enough fear to feel shamed when we discuss matters on child rearing.

I see the shame you feel and the defenses coming up, because as a child you were never treated as a whole human being.

We were raised to associate anything that may be outside “how your were raised” to do things as controversial, problematic and therefore saying that we are not just making a mistake, but that is some way or form, we are failing.

We still function within the lopsided power structure of parent-child relationship, spanking created. There is a mix up in our minds between fear and respect. We are trained to see fear and respect as the same thing, and we get uncomfortable with the idea that just maybe they are not the same thing.

The fear of being told that what you are doing now, may be damaging, it creates a knee-jerk reaction and release that fear and shame in your heart. The wanting to keep defending yourself, because you were raised to believe that hitting a child is the right way of doing things. We were raised to believe that our parents were never wrong, because they beat that belief into our very souls.

So often I am told that I am parent shaming, when I talk about how damaging spanking or hitting is to a psyche.

I am not shaming anyone, I am trying to have a conversation with you as the parent and with the child that feels so shamed and hurt inside of you. I am trying to help you, help your child to never feel what you are feeling right now.

I don’t want you to feel shame and fear for something you never intentionally did wrong, but I want you to be able to see it for what it is. New information to give you tools to raise a healthy child with less pain, shame and fear.

The fear and shame you feel is so deeply rooted within the expectations your parents had for you and how they enforced those expectations on you. Let us work together in breaking this fear and shame cycle. It starts with us. We do not have to continue


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